


I guess I'm stuck with this

by nimiumcaelo



Category: Original Work
Genre: (these poems are kinda dark so please pay attention to the tags!! don't trigger yourself, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Poetry, References to Depression, please)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 19:59:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13061118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimiumcaelo/pseuds/nimiumcaelo
Summary: Poetry written about my more dark thoughts. References to self-harm, depression, eating disorders, anxiety, etc. Big ball of fun.





	1. addict

**Author's Note:**

> Please pay attention to the tags!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> self-harm

Back to my friend the blade  
I cannot cry:  
I have hidden my pain

silver-tongued monster I am  
liar liar liar  
SCREAM IT

help me .?


	2. blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> self-harm

Each press of my pulse against my thumb-nail  
is a dancer’s silken feet  
if I slit my neck the blood  
would pulse out in soft waves like at the seashore  
where is the blood of mine they put in bags  
at the hospital?  
Where are those pieces of me? – so quickly forgotten  
Come Back –! I want to call – but my voice has no sound

boiled and metallic steam  
staining the labcoats  
rusted rocks rain up  
killing


	3. Bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eating disorders

Bones  
my bones

I need them.

Can you keep a secret?  
I whisper to my nighttime friend.  
She looks at me with hollow eyes  
and nods her head, dangling loose on her snapped neck.

I tell her of my pain  
the bloodcurdling screams  
and the butterfly kisses of acid rain on my head.

She smiles, takes my hand.  
Her fingers are cold like the dead.  
She gently guides me to the meat grinder  
pulls me closer –  
pushes me in.


	4. First Purge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eating disorder

The red face, the teary eyes  
Spittle on your chin  
Shove your fingers deeper into your throat, don’t  
Move them when you start to gag  
Cough up the bile, applesauce and coffee  
Try again to get it all  
You fail  
So you burn 200 calories on the stationary bike  
Because you made some stupid Pinterest recipe  
For a single-serving cookie dough  
But you need to keep your calories low  
Low like 600 low  
Low like 500 low  
Today it’s low like 400 low  
400 and 5 to be exact  
And probably less after that purge  
The Nirvana bumps your heart as it palpitates  
While you sit in your chair, nervous at nothing  
Your parents gone – at church  
Your cousin calls to talk to you  
You’re busy  
Because you didn’t get all of it out  
You cut deeper than you usually do because  
You’re only allowed 1 cut if you eat poorly at meals  
Don’t break the rules, bitch.


	5. I am the forgotten one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> depression

I am the forgotten one;  
the washed-up, last-picked, overlooked one;  
the glossed-over, I’ll-get-you-one-later, secretly-hate-her one.

Leave me your condolences I’ll hang them out to dry  
let me sit on hickory benches in the sunshine  
I don’t need your rocking-chair, much less your pair of socks  
but the gap of them sets me reeling.

Touch me on the forehead with your ashy fingers  
I’ll carry the mark until I shower at night  
until then I’ll have something noticeable  
then I’ll swipe it off with shampoo and fade away.

The trees in the woods blend together from the outside  
spend too much time next to any individual and you’re lost.

Am I a tree?


	6. starvation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eating disorder

I am in pain.  
Small headache, fuzzed thoughts,  
weak limbs.  
I want to cry.  
Why did I do this?  
Who did this to me?  
What did I do to myself?  
I feel betrayed.  
Can I even see?  
I feel as if someone had hurt my cat.  
I want to die.  
(But I can’t stop.)


	7. A Plea: For My Sanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> depression and anxiety, written to my parents

Don’t say you know my thoughts and feelings  
When you are misinformed on the subject,  
For I am more than brittle bones and a  
Mind with no expiration date listed.  
Could you catalogue my motivations?  
I sure can’t – no, for they run paradox  
To reasoning, whether inductive or de-  
And I would take offense were you to try.  
So let me be on this: my rock and home,  
The place where I lay me down to sleep and  
Tie my shoelaces to run away from  
Vultures as they pick at the soft flesh of  
My eye. They do not ask permission, no –   
They assume their right and take, no regard  
For feelings, emotions – those sanity  
Guards who pace the weary floor by my cell,  
Day and night, until someone tries to lure  
Them away through misinterpretation.  
So leave me my mind and take what you will  
Of my possessions, for I do not care  
So much what happens to material.  
Touch not the lily’s petals – though you may  
Observe.


	8. Blind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wishing to have your innocence back

I am not blind  
but sometimes I wish I was.  
If I could rid myself of these images,  
the knowledge of the pain,  
anxiety -  
maybe then I could have some peace,  
real, long-lasting peace.  
But I do not believe that it would last  
because if I was blind,  
I would get pulled back towards Charybdis  
to drown.  
I know what the utopia looks like  
I simply do not know how to get there.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. This stuff is really personal and it's weird to post it.


End file.
